Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child. Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

   I'm sorry miss, but if you didn't want your melons squeezed than you shouldn't work in produce section.

   Huh, as a child I hated to get spanked with a belt and it made me cry. Yet as an adult I enjoy it and it makes me smile. Go figure.

   Derek Rowe Lease just signed... Movin away from the old meth and crack heads next to some nice occasional cocaine users..

   Arkansas forecast for tomorrow ...3 inches of birds

   when I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.

   what with all this god stuff, Stop it . Get a life you must be a myspace person.

   after hearing about the world coming to an end soon I feel that it is my duty to warn you all as friends that when the zombies are chasing....i will trip you !

   I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.

   Life is a waste of time, Time is a waste of life. So, get wasted all the time and have the time of ur life ;)

   I went to Lowe's with a bucket of Legos and asked the manager if we could build something together. She threw me out.

   wonders how a fine is justified as a predetermined tax for doing something wrong, and yet taxation is accepted as a fine for doing well?

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face....but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   a fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it did half the time.

   - Today's word of the day is "Legs". Now let's go back to my place and spread the word.

   newest kill off of wildlife to hit the news. 2.5 million eagles fans just dropped outta the playoffs

   99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. Take them all down skip the dam song, drink em all at once with a beer bong.

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink... But if you must lie, lie in the arms of you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death., and if you must drink, drink in the moments that takes your breath away....

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. Guess she heard her killer coming.