Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anything is possible with the right attitude and sledgehammer.

   Well someone has to be sober.......NOT IT!

   Can you go out with me? ❒ Yes ❒Maybe ✔No

   An optamist can easily be let down, but a pessamist will never be dissapointed.

   can't wait to see the drunk version of me on camera

   Me + Nyquil = <3

   Screw your Four Loko... I've got a Dayquil with a 5hour energy and Grande Latte chaser with my name on it!... If you dont believe me, just ask my pet Unicorn

   I wish I was more mature in high school to understand all those passes made by girls.

   you can easily geta smartphone these days but hard to find smart people.

   Sorry, my social calender is full this weekend. Going to a HoeDown, a Shindig and a Hootenanny.

   doing the Safety Dance and leaving my friends behind.

   will be home late for supper. I'm going to a ho-down and I cant leave until she get's back up.

   Weekend goal: To get some dirty deeds done dirty cheap.

   What's the point of being a lesbian if a woman is going to look and act like an imitation man?

   After countless days of research I have solved the mystery.....When Santa says HO! HO! HO!...He is thinking of last name of his 3 favorite naughty sisters...Ima, Ivana, and Anita...

   Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

   Everyday I hear people say they would to take a break and get some fresh air. So, this year I'm wrapping some up in boxes and giving as Christmas gifts.

   My Nephew asked me about getting women .I said it helps if you are quite big down there and that maybe he should shove a cucumber down his pants.He came back to me and said all the girls laughed at him,Maybe I should have told him to put it in the front.

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   Happy wife.. Happy life!