Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So tell me, how DO you keep up with all your lies?

   You know you're addicted to Facebook when you log off your computer, leave the house, get in your car and log back on using your phone.

   When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.

   I dare you to walk into the cookie factory and say "Hi I'm here to apply for the fudge packer position".

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   The purpose of fruit flies; to make people look insane, grabbing at the air like they are hallucinating.

   Hates putting lights on the Christmas tree, she feels like an elf being punished for being to tall

   If attitude was a tool I'd be a weapon of mass destruction, or at least a butter knife.

   wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.

   When a cop asks you, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"

   just wants to be someones "Dirty little secret!"

   Ever been in such a hurry you try getting out of your car with your seatbelt still on? It wasn't just me right?

   going to triple dog dare someone to lick a flagpole this winter.

   My thermostats are revealing just how cold it is today ~ Note to self: Get a thicker bra...

   Due to the amount of spam by a high number of people playing this number game, I will now block/hide every person from my newsfeed who is doing this.. You have killed our newsfeed with personal msgs and spam. This is not twitter, so please stop

   When you are feeling down because everyone is against you just remember that....Nationwide is on your side.

   I'm not feeling myself today....perhaps I should feel somebody else.

   There comes a time in life when all you can do is just slap the b*tch!

   Up against my facebook wall and spread em!

   I just saw a commercial where every line at Walmart was staffed with a cashier. It's amazing what fantasy you can create on television!