Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On my next geography test, I'm putting down Kansas City in in the state of Kansas.

   the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

   Can't wait for my favorite holiday on February 15th known to single people as 50% off Valentine's Day Cake and Candy Day!

   I just got gas for $1.99! And no it wasn't at Taco Bell.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   Valentine's Day. The only day of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you're secretly in love with me and would like a candlelit dinner with flowers and candy, it's to late shell out all that money, but talk to me talk on the 15th and maybe next year.

   YAY! Mr. Peanut back.

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!

   You know you're fat when your dog lays down in your shaddow on hot sunny days.

   I saw my shadow this morning. Looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting.

   They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel

   Life's short, don't scroll it away!

   Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.

   "If playing golf is exercise, then why aren't there driving ranges in health clubs?

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.

   When I'm not at home and my wife is giving me the silent treatment, she'll send me blank tex messages.

   Why do wives think giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment.