Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someday we will be wheeling down the hall in that nursing home trying to have a race until the assistants come and take us to where we should have been

   Note to self: If you ever accidentally bump into a person who looks just like the young woman who starred in "Precious", do not ask her if she's the young woman who starred in "Precious"....Geeeeeez

   "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"

   pro gay marriage,can`t see any reason they should have it any easier

   i like it when theres lots of snow on the road it gives the cops an excuse for me to be swerving all over the road when I'm drunk

   I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   If Obama was the answer it must have been a stupid question!!

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   Well the Christmas spirit is boxed up and back into the attic for another year.

   It appears to me that Brett Favre was fined $25k per inch in the Jen Sterger affair.....

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   So, I've been told hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning! According to the Surgeon General. Women should consume alcohol because it impairs their ability to say NO!! So who is up for a drink? I'm pouring!

   Dear god thank you for all the good times you brought me in 2010. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name.