Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

   Life's a b!tch, because if it were a slut, it'd be easy.

   What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? About 45 lbs

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

   A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

   You know its going to be a bad week when you got a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday.

   Relationships are like drugs, they either kill you, or give you the best feeling of your life.

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

   Dear Algebra, All year you made me try to find your X !!! Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please get over it and move on!!

   I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   (1)Google Translate (2)Type,"Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty" (3)Eng 2 Vietnamese (4)Copy/Paste the Vietnamese Words (5)Vietnamese 2 English

   Just change the name of my ipod to The Titanic. So whenever I plug it in to my computer it says the titanic is syncing.

   Little Johnny wrote to Santa, "I want a baby brother for christmas." Santa wrote back' "Send me your Mother. '

   women see men like bank accounts. Without money they don't generate much interest.

   ⓘ ⓦⓐⓢ ⓑⓞⓡⓔⓓ, ⓢⓞ ⓘ ⓓⓔ©ⓘⓓⓔⓓ ⓣⓞ ⓟⓤⓣ ⓛⓔⓣⓣⓔⓡⓢ ⓘⓝⓢⓘⓓⓔ ⓑⓤⓑⓑⓛⓔⓢ.

   ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

   It confuses me when I see a cougar wearing a leopard print sweater.

   Whatever happend to Sex, Drugs , & Rock & Roll, Now we just have AIDS ,CRACK And Techno

   Boy sees his mom and dad having sex. Dad says "were making you a brother." Boy replies " do her doggy style, I rather have a puppy.".