Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders why dogs run to the door when someone knocks? It's never for them.

   I quit eating...cold turkey...now I microwave it..

   I called a company and heard "Baby got back" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Health insurance from a company that plays Sir Mix-a-lot?

   9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u) = ? (see comment for answer)

   sooo not a control freak - I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   I know that you don't understand but I think it's cute that you're trying.

   I propose a toast to all my friends who are still with me in 2011. To those who unfriended me in 2010... you can kiss my glass.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.

   2 beers 5 dollars, 3 margaritas 15 dollars, 4 jello shots 20 dollars... taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   The thousands of falling birds in Arkansas gives a whole new meaning to the game Angry Birds!!

   Did you read the news? 4,000 Dead Birds Drop From the Sky! Looks like God likes playing Angry Birds too!! Tee Hee!

   If you're on the show "16 and Pregnant" you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show "32 and a Grandmother"

   Your iPhone alarm didn't work? Well, as my great grandfather used to say on his deathbed, shortly before his demise....."too bad."

   everybody was working tonight, so I was forced to go to dinner with my parents! but wait, thats not the worst part. Upon arrival, they informed me that they would be drinking and only brought me to drive them home! fml

   kinda bummed New Year's Eve only happens once a year... we need more alcoholidays.