Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her

   People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.

   Was told to set an example. So I picked to be a bad example

   So if you don't know the local language and need to find a restroom. The universal sign is to act like your holding your penis and making a hissing sound. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.

   Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.

   don't talk to me in that tone of CAPITALS!

   Final destination she says. All destinations are final. Not need to use final there lady. Thats what the word means, destiny = final. If you haven't got where you're going, you're not there yet!

   The main problem with a high maintenance woman is that the upkeep costs never go down.

   I hear my neighbor is holding her Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.

   Why is the Sunday paper available on Saturday, does nothing happen that's worth calling news on Saturday?

   I'll call the people I see at work "coworkers" as soon as they start doing some work.

   My mom always said kill them with kindness, but for you I'm getting my gun!

   Dumb ass week: If you know a dumb ass that has made you want to slap them every time you read there post, repost in your status!!!

   i wish laundry was asexual so it could do itself.

   Fool people into thinking you actually go outside by updating your Facebook status via your mobile phone

   nothing makes you feel old like that girl your co-workers are ogling at was born when you graduated HS, and her mom babysat you as a kid!

   Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.

   Guy: Wanna go out with me? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: I have a test tomorrow. Girl: And? Guy: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on