Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5271 of 6446

I'm your friend, and that's why I think I should tell you that your hair, in your new profile pic, says sexual predator all over it…
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02-04-2011 15:09 by M.A.C.
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Sarah Palin has filed to have her name trademarked and will eventually become Sarah Palin ®. That is, unless she quits halfway through the paperwork.
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02-04-2011 14:47 by Joshman
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watching Lifetime with my wife so that later she won't be watching the game with me.
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02-04-2011 14:34
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Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in an ant bed and blows them up…Good old Days - Ants die… Present - ATF, Homeland Security, and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism...WTF...
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02-04-2011 14:22
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There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...
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02-04-2011 13:38 by M.A.C.
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Disatisfied with the automatic submission system, I manually submitted you to the afterlife, ending your suffering and mine.
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02-04-2011 13:31 by DrSAJ
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I'm going to write a WalMart How to Guide, it will ask questions like 1. Does this shirt make me look like a broken can of Pillsbury biscuits? 2 It's 13 degrees out, should I really wear a long sleeve T, shorts and flip flops?
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02-04-2011 13:26 by SEAN
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You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
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02-04-2011 13:24 by DrSAJ
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My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...
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02-04-2011 13:19 by @clarkysj
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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02-04-2011 13:18 by @clarkysj
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~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~ *checks time* OMG! CRAP
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02-04-2011 13:14 by DrSAJ
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We were without phone, TV and internet access for a few hours today. It was terrifying because I almost got some work done.

The French are only good for fries, toast, and kisses...
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02-04-2011 12:11
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I'm sorry, but please explain to me how the hell someone does REHAB from their OWN home?
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02-04-2011 11:41 by Quinn
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"I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 22, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your dramatic a$$ somewhere else.
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02-04-2011 11:30 by Quinn
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I walked into a party last night and someone yelled, "dibbs!"
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02-04-2011 11:30 by MR
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's...That's because she changes it more often.
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02-04-2011 11:03
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I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? I replied. “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”
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02-04-2011 11:02
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I've been reading some of the Black History Month material, and I can't find Buckwheat being shot anywhere…that's just wrong…
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02-04-2011 11:00 by M.A.C.
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