Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Curse you jalepeno poppers, CURSE YOU! Why do you have to taste so good and hurt me so bad?

   I tried to look up the Kelly Blue Book value of my car and it said before it could tell me it needed to know how much gas was in it....

   My girlfriend never says what she means, but drops hints and leaves clues she wants me to try and figure out. Its like I'm dating the frickin' Riddler!! Well I'm not Batman so she is SOL.

   If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….

   If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.

   Okay, I admit it! I have my chat showing as offline because I don't want to chat with some of you right now.

   Bought jelly, peanut butter and bread. Made a PBJ sandwich. I love it when a plans comes together.

   What I typed to text my wife: Getting BK (Burger King) now. What auto-correct on my iPhone tried to change it to: Getting BJ now. Thankfully I checked it before I hit send...

   just when I thought Roethlessberger couldn't look anymore like a douche he goes and proves me wrong by shaving his beard....

   still trying to use The Force to start my car...

   What's Black & Gold???? The teeth of Roethlessbergers cell mate......

   This just in.... kleenex has reported a shortage of tissues due to all the steelers fans running to the store to buy tissues to dry their tears..... Packers WIN!!!!!

   I have the cape... I make whoosh noises...

   I think it's smart that Pittsburgh fans carry yellow crying towels to soak up their tears.

   Although it's true that when I think about you I touch myself, it usually involves a sharp instrument to the heart region…you know, as a reminder….

   on the positive side, somewhere in a third world country people now have these sweet Pittsburgh steelers Superbowl champions shirts and hats to wear!!

   Who wants to replay the Superbowl next weekend, just so we can have another party?

   wonders why they sell windshield washer fluid in a gallon container, but the reservoir in vehicles only holds 7/8 gallon.

   Are there any times in your life you wish you could just forget? Ummmm, like for instance, when that guy sucked the cheese off that other guy's finger in the Doritos commercial? I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

   says yeah, yeah Aguilera messed up the lyrics, probably because she was afriad of getting sexually assaulted by the Roethlisberger...