Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get a firm grip on reality I'm gonna choke the sh*t out of it!

   So you're telling me that a house fell on your sister, and the only thing you care about is her shoes?

   i know its hump day but get off my leg.

   comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable

   They say weed kills brain cells. I'm down to my last two. One is on life support and the other one is trying to pull the plug.

   Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.

   Where is this "chill pill" they talk about and how do I get like 5?

   I'm really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.

   I never text while I'm driving. I'm too busy putting on my makeup.

   Will he stay or will he go? Seems like President Mubarak must have the same publicist as Carmelo Anthony...

   you ever had that one friend that you don't like to eat with, cause they chew their food like their mad at it?!?

   Remember that good decisions rarely make for good stories.

   Remember - with Valentine's Day only five days away, it's not too late to break up.

   Well skank you. Skank you very much!

   Friends by social network. Twitter = fake friends Facebook = close friends Myspace = I can't remember who you are.

   You will you be my Valentine....for an hour....and we won't exchange gifts...and we skip the night out....and just have sex?

   You laugh at me because I'm strange I laugh at you because your stupid!

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

   will never be able to enjoy a nice chianti again thanks to Hannibal Lechter. He totally fuched it up for me.