Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Ben Roethlisberger collection. It came with a roofy, two advil for the day after and a do-it-yourself police report..

   throwing rocks at the person throwing rocks at you...

   Over the weekend, Dallas gave Michael Vick the key to the city. What's next for Vick -- an award from PETA?

   John Fogarty is asking me if I've ever seen the rain.......I have and I've seen alot more snow than I care to though.

   I miss Gary Coleman, I grew up with him...he just never did.

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   Women are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get...so you should sample them all...maybe eat a few too...

   Final Words..."These are the GOOD kind of mushrooms"

   You know you're getting old when you need a sports bra on to brush your teeth.

   Good friends will be there with tissues...Best friends will be there with a baseball bat saying " what did they do to you and do I need a shovel?''

   Oh. so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?

   I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

   Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!

   not laughing at you--I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.

   I have come to the conclusion that my adult life was contrived by a stoned teenager.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds

   Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon