Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mubarak to remain in office: " I will step down when the Cleaveland Cavaliers win a game"

   I would love to see everything, anyone has ever written to me, but backspaced before sending.

   Just saw a commercial for a new show called The Unpoppables...one of the guys in the show said: "There is a thin layer of rubber between success and failure." That should be the new slogan for MTV's 16 and Pregnant...

   I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really f-cked up.

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   When it all said and done there will be nothing left to say or do.

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   Buddy of mine said, “you need to take the bull by the horns”….I told him that he should go first, and after they put the bull down for mauling him, I'd just take him with steak sauce….smarter not harder folks….

   after all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.

   disappointed that 25% of prostitutes use Facebook to solicit clients and not a single one has ever contacted him!

   I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone, you fought them. Now you just defriend them on Facebook.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.