Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry folks, Have to RUN, my parole office is knocking on my apartment door..........

   You know you're old when getting lucky means you actually found your car in the parking lot

   Fatigues kind of like Scrubs but for killing people

   Drink up! Its somebody's birthday today!!

   Heat wave....ts above 25 degrees for the 2nd straight day!!

   Hey there, I'm your hopes and dreams, I won't be around for long so lemme make this quick. I am being destroyed by everyone. Mostly the president. And shake-weight.

   Sometimes I feel like I understand it all...And then sometimes De Speaka No Englis

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   tappin in the sugar bush this weekend...if ya know what I mean. ;0)

   Will you be my future ex girlfriend?

   If I can't text and drive then I'll have a hard time warning my mute friends about traffic jams

   It is impossible for me to take the separatist strife in the Philippines seriously when the leading paramilitary organization goes by MILF

   If I was the world's tallest man, I'd double up on my Guinness World Record by coming out as gay thus becoming the World's Biggest Fruit.

   As an Asian, the only Super Bowl I was ever interested in involves a dimunitive looking Japanese man polishing off a mammoth bowl of Ramen.

   I've always wondered who it is that the generic, singing fat lady uses as an measure of execution when she has to get her own things done.

   When giving out relationship advice, fishes are often at a loss for words when forming an analogy to convey how other chances are out there.

   When people "Like" the problems people post on facebook, do they actually like the idea of that person going through the problem?

   i know the world isnt going to end in 2012 cause my yogurt expires in 2013!

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.