Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   the difference between try and triumpth is just a little bit of umpth!

   Today's inspirational post: You can do it!

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   Click Filter On or Off To See This Status.

   And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."

   Hosni Mubarak, the dictator just died

   As I sit here eating Cheerios out of a plastic bowl, it makes me miss my kids in their toddler years. I think I'll get a High-Chair and make them eat dinner in it. I hope the weight limit is higher than 150lbs. Teenagers weigh a lot.

   So in bed last night he says "let's have another one...". I wonder what story he is giving his co - workers today on how he got that black eye?

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air guitar in your underwear...

   Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday!

   Apparently CVS is going green. I just bought a roll of toilet paper and my receipt was only 37 inches long... I should have just bought a pack of gum and saved my receipt for... umm... ...nevermind.

   I'm going to be blunt and straight to the point here...people are stupid..

   if its called mario brothers why is one named luigi...

   a guy always thinks how to break up after getting laid,,

   Happy Steak & B***J** day guys!

   Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday