Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   Just got a toy black cat as a prize in a box of Lucky Charms.

   In _____________ they consider counting sheep a wet dream.

   Internet Beef: When You can sit in a bedroom in Mexico and talk about knockin out somebody in Finland and it will never come back to you.

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''

   Revolution until victory

   If I'm reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.

   A council estate in Liverpool was recently closed due to the discovery of an unidentified object. After 8 hours of scientific testing it turned out to be a payslip.

   Just bought a "Flux Capacitor" off eBay!

   Please tell your breast to quit staring at me!

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Dont smoke...there are cooler ways to die.

   so far, this is the oldest I've ever been

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   The hardest part of driving to me is putting on my seatbelt. I just cant seem to find the time to take 3 seconds out of a 20 minute drive to buckle up. Its sad really

   Whenever I meet a girl I always greet her with my left hand...I dont want her to meet the competition

   checked in at Charlie Sheen's Bungalow

   So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear....its the fat that does that." So now I'm single again.

   After spending millions in research scientist still do not know exactly how long a cotton picking minute is.