Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 522 of 6383
The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards
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10-17-2019 05:37
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Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.
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10-17-2019 05:36
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Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.
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10-17-2019 02:05
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Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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10-16-2019 18:07
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"I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
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10-16-2019 18:06
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So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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10-16-2019 18:04
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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10-16-2019 18:03
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
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10-16-2019 18:03
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We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!
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10-16-2019 13:39
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Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.
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10-16-2019 07:22
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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10-16-2019 07:22
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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10-16-2019 07:21
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Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.
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10-16-2019 07:21
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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10-16-2019 07:21
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
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10-16-2019 07:20
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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10-16-2019 07:20
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*lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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10-16-2019 07:20
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Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now
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10-16-2019 07:19
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
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10-16-2019 07:19
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Today is the Navy's and Tiffany Trump's birthday. Guess which one Trump only acknowledged? The wrong answer is Tiffany.
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10-15-2019 14:45
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