Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day in about 3 weeks...take down your Christmas decorations.

   Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'

   Reminder for this weekend..Avoid hangover.........stay drunk...

   A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels

   I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"

   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   My anger management class pisses me off

   Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"

   If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were.

   It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.

   I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.

   The two post down proves it. No matter how absurd it is, if Trump said it, the sheep will say it's right. At least I finally know the truth.

   Perk of being ugly: Your phone battery lasts longer.