Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   what do you call it when a cow is sitting down? ... ground beef

   Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?"

   f a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."

   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day in about 3 weeks...take down your Christmas decorations.

   Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'

   Reminder for this weekend..Avoid hangover.........stay drunk...

   A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels

   I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"

   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   My anger management class pisses me off

   Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"