Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [trick-or-treating] Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it! Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

   Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.

   the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat

   How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

   HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

   [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on

   If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

   turning my gender off to conserve energy

   [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

   Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

   friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow

   Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

   me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p

   Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.

   I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.