Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you've never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   I do not want to get the Coronavirus that’s why I switched to Modelo

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   I like using my speakerphone but hate how it literally spells everything I say exclamation point period

   **Blood-curdling scream** Dinner's ready.

   huge shout out to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

   Welcome to Facebook. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

   Hello...?!?!?! Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?! ...Anyone at all?!

   I walked into a bar in another neighborhood the other day and I noticed that everyone there was wearing a tool belt. Then I found out they were all roofers. I’d stumbled into a shingles bar.

   The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as The Manilla Folder.

   Should the person who invented Swiss cheese be referred to as “Your Holiness”?

   Every year I rotate all 4 tires on this date

   Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see

   We're looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

   NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. so far, they've had 1 billion applicants.

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   It's tax time. I switched to a new tax guy and I think he's fantastic. He wants me to establish my full-time residence in Syria.

   I'm not trying to talk out of turn or anything here about the coronavirus BUT, have they tried it with a lime?

   Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.