Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wise man once told me, "You are not the father"! Thanks Maury!

   The Only good thing that can come from a kim kardashian song, is a kim kardashian music video!

   it bad when I'm talking to myself and I'm not even listening?

   watching the origin of the KKK on the history channel...take a stand and join the klan? that doesnt even rhyme...YA RETARDS.

   Life's too short to wake up in a bad mood- I save mine until I get to work.

   Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.

   Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, sh$t They found out."

   never shuts the bathroom door. If someone walks in, I say: FINALLY!! Get in here, shut the door, and sit on my lap!! Works every time.

   Learn to spell... Auto Correct isn't always write...

   If your dealer runs out of Charlie Cheen, don't let him try to sell you Emilio Estevez.

   ate so many M&Ms last night, you can see faint "M" outlines in my turds!

   Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."

   You can't have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.

   The greener the grass is on the otherside is due to the manure being spread.

   wathing 'The Good Girl'. So far there isn't anything "good" about this girl.

   predicts that in the future, everyone famous will have mental health issues which they parade online for our entertainment.

   What I do, I do very well, and what I don't do well, I don't do at all.

   Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting.

   "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."

   ‎"Your Status has expired. Please deposit $1.25". ~FB Meter Maid