Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insurance costs are so outrageous the only healthcare most Americans can afford is from Dr. Pepper.

   The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

   Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

   Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends

   That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good life.

   lindsay Lohan and Charle Sheen have signed for a new sit com called 2 and 1/2 grams

   Dear Life, When I asked if things could get worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

   I'd be more willing to join Farmville if they let me grow weed, and sell it to Mafia Wars...

   Worry is a darkroom where negatives develop

   decided to give up searching his belly button for Lent!

   Awkward....That moment when you think you are being helpful by telling someone they "got a lil dirt on their forehead" and they tell you it's Ash Wednesday.

   US Congress is looking to reduce budget deficit by combining national healthcare with the TSA. Head to your local airport next time you need an X-ray or cancer exam.

   heard that NASA astronauts are moving items today out of retiring shuttle Discovery, in hopes of getting their security deposit back.

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   Hey Obama, where's the change? I need it to pay for gas!

   wondering if a butterflies wish they could get a tattoo of a woman on their shoulder.

   I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!

   Glad I noticed it's Ash Wednesday so I don't tell someone they have dirt on their forehead...

   If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder?

   Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!