Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals..... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment!

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   I refuse to lotion my body In fear of the fact that I may go to jail one day

   an important lesson I've learned moving from an office to a cubical, is that you cannot successfully execute a silent "one cheek sneak" while wearing noise cancelling headphones.

   Music is like candy. Throw away the rappers.

   The front desk had an add on the TV that said just call them with any request to make your stay more enjoyable. So I did, jeez they didn't have to get so upset..

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones...hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   When cocaine wants to get high it does a line of Charlie Sheen.

   I lost my Viagara down the toilet....Now I have hard water!

   I hear drinking wet cement can get you really stoned!!

   Justin Bieber's first name isn't really Justin... all his previous boyfriends nicknamed him that for some small reason.

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   I don't have an attitude problem. I have an attitude that you have a problem with. Therefore, I just have an attitude!

   The moment someone tells you that you're not good enough is the moment you know you're better than them.

   Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

   Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

   Excellent time to become a missing person.