Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   decided to go on a Light Diet....whenever there's light...I eat.

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   In our city its not what you know. Its not who you know. Its what you know about who.

   I saw Donald Rumsfeld on CNN this morning, offering his advice on using the military in Libya. What's next? Octomom giving advice on birth control?

   In light of recent reports, is Taco Bell allowed this Lent?

   I thought I was special until I saw you are now friends with me and 29 other people :(

   informed that I had offended some people with my statueses. Solution: I deleted them

   So, the U.S. Government has proposed to replace the $1 bill with a $1 coin. They say it will save $5.5 billion dollars. Time for me to cash in too... by producing a stripper g-string that will hold coins.

   wearing plastic gloves to prevent any computer viruses

   I try not to curse, but when God D@mn slips out, I always get, "Don't use God's name in vain". I always respond, "I never said his NAME...God is simply a title, like Dr or Mr". Do you even know his name? Bible Thumpers...

   Fair warning: I've decided that ,from now on,all "poke wars" I am engaged in will spill over into your everyday encounters with myself... and I will be victorious....

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones... Hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...............

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones... Hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...............

   One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start