Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   Actually, every picture you have is from when you were younger.

   Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

   thinks some people wake up and eat a massive bowl of stupid for breakfast everyday!

   So I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   I just seen someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty running down the road being chased by a Rottweiler..... Today is off to a great start!!!

   Just remember if the world didnt suck, we'd all fall off

   BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN. The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...

   I just kicked my shoe off my foot and it bounced off the excercise ball and hit me in the face

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat!

   Welcome to the Betty Ford Clinic, my name is Charlie and I'll be your bartender for the evening. What'll ya have?

   Watching wrestling. Kinda tired of hearing the fans yell "WHAT???" That catchphrase was old years ago. DAMN YOU STEVE AUSTIN! ;) ;) ;)

   If you don't have a love in your life, don't worry. If you keep living a life with no regrets, either your love will come or someone will regret living their life without you.

   friends and condoms have something in common. . . they both protect you when things get hard.

   I only use the Asian laundromats. It takes two wongs to make it white.

   If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.

   When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.

   Since the groundhog lied this year, I don't feel bad telling you all that groundhog tastes like chicken

   I had sex last night from 1:55 to 3:02...I thought I was a machine until I realized the time had just changed.