Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   When someone gives you the finger, Look them straight in the eye and say "you know, there's a pile of crap behind EVERY bird"

   What's the difference between nectarines and peaches? Nectarines don't trade on their daddy's name to get on the TV.

   Entertainment reporters around the world are telling us that Justin Bieber is a cult. Makes you wonder if they had spellcheck turned off when they wrote that.

   I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall, I can't wait two metre.

   According to a recent study, 100% of people participate in surveys.

   Friendships are wonderful adventures. They surprise and delight as nothing else can! Just when you think you know the person well, some new wonderful part of them presents itself. Enjoy your many friendships and treasure them for the gift that they are! T

   Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!

   The awkward moment when you try to end a conversation with "your mum" and they reply "that's what she said"...

   Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

   God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

   When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

   For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

   I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

   Whose idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

   When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

   I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met