Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   Lick the alphabet. Yea, you know what I am talking about, don't even lie.

   there's something special about today....maybe its because I finally decided to shave my legs

   Not to worry Obama will fix everything while he's on vacation in Rio this weekend......

   It's great to see somebody change their relationship status on Facebook to 'Married' when they are actually legally married.

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   You know, if I had a girlfriend, I'd be a lot happier. Does anyone have an extra one they don't need?

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   My condolences to Snoop and the rest of the Dogg family. RIP Nate Dogg

   I guess the Obama's need another vacation to Rio to take a break... Apparently picking all 4 #1 seeds in his March Madness bracket was just to much on him?? What a SLACKER!!!

   Dear buffalo wings: What happened to us? You were soooo good to me last night. But today… all I can say is OUCH!

   read that a new study indicates that 80% of children aged 0 to 5 are already exposed to some computer use. In response to show their concern, Apple Computer has announced the new iCrib to target the remaining 20%.

   FYI to the Prophets adding dates....Japan Earthquake was on 3/10/11, they are a day ahead of us.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   When I'm at a bar I aways look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

   I think I like your name more than your post...yeah you below me v v

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

   The roast of Donald Trump wouldve been alot funnier with Greg Giraldo mixed in there I loved his jokes on the previous ones.... R.I.P Greg

   Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.