Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do the associates at wal-mart never answer the phone..? ..i feel like I'm trying to dial through to a radio station to win tickets to a R. Kelly concert.

   The Dentist is the only certified man to say to a woman: lay down, relax, open mouth, say ahh, and spit.

   Roses are red, on St. Patricks were green, don't party too hard tonight, you are not Charlie Sheen!

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   Irish:Tabhair dom an rud céanna mar atá ag an fhear ar an t-úrlar! English:Give me the same as the man on the floor!

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.

   Would it be inappropriate to go to the bars tonight wearing only a Green Lantern costume, with a 4 leaf clover on my finger as my ring and carry a Heineken mini-keg as my lantern?

   Once a pun a time, I used to be terrific at wordplay.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Helpful advice for people: Don't be a douche.

   My theory on Marriage, Why pay for internet when WiFi is free.

   If you're not wearing green right now, shuffle your feet on the carpet and touch the screen to receive your "virtual pinch".

   Drinking green beer makes you no more Irish, than drinking tiger's blood makes you a blubbering, coked-out douchebag….oh….wait….

   I can't tell if its the acid I dropped or the green beer I've been drinking since 12:30 a.m., but there are Leprechauns everywhere!! HAPPY PAT'S DAY LASSIES!!!

   just recieved a letter in the mail from Jerry Springer asking me to be a guest on his show.... This cant be good

   Thx Burger King breakfast for letting me experience Prison Food!