Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I toilet papered my house last night. It's now worth 1.4 million.

   Once this corona tension is over....will take 7 days break and rest at home.

   What's a Kleptomaniacs favorite band? Take That

   Should marijuana be legalized? Let's have a reefer-endum.

   hey you the atheist below please move on

   Literal Cheesy Pick-Up Line: Excuse me, are you Swiss? I'd love to check out your holes.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

   panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

   You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.

   Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.

   Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

   me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

   The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

   I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

   [stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life

   Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?