Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...

   Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"

   It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   : I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

   If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"

   Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica