Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gotta give him credit. He sure knows how to lie like a politician.

   I think it's amazing that the average person can now be launched into space on a rocket ship, I mean the average person with 20 million dollars to blow.

   Breaking news: Mail order brides from China are now up to 75% off!

   It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!? Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   [in crowded elevator] Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

   [Jesus breaks bread] This is my body [Jesus pours wine] This is my blood [Jesus brings out Alex Trebek] and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

   Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   me: [donating body to science] science: [donates my body to goodwill]

   Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her. But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   By the third kid you say stuff like "here's a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later."

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   The only thing that can stop the Coronavirus is a good guy with a gun.

   Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

   So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

   Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet