Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me

   Hollywood are already planning a movie about the life of Elizabeth Taylor. It's provisionally titled 'Eight Weddings and a Funeral'.

   Lady Gaga says she takes her fashion inspiration from Princess Diana. It's just a shame it's not from how she looked before the crash.

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   Have you ever held your money and ever thought "I hope this hasn't been up a stripper's butt"...

   I dont hate Mondays. I just cant stand the 24 hours they occupy.

   xT: Quotes My Parents Say I Spend To Much Time On Facebook And Should Go Outside . Thank God For Laptops And Wifi.

   <~~~may cause dizziness, high blood pressure, exitability, tingling sensation, loss of hearing, blindness, loose bowels, erectile disfunction, nauseau, heart failure and seizures.

   Why is it that people think they are invisible in their cars while they are picking their noses?

   I hit a midgets car today. He got out of the car and said, "I am not happy." So I said, "Which one are you?"

   Two tips for faster jogging (1) hot guy in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you

   My right hand just fell asleep but I'm not really in the mood

   pulled more tail then a slow kid at a petting zoo.

   if you listen very carefully you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   I get offended when others talk while I'm interrupting.

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...

   For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.

   I know when I take a huge dump its a big relief, is that how Obama feels when he talks?

   When I start thinking to myself that I want a girlfriend I just turn on The View and put the volume on max. It snaps me back to reality

   Roses are red, violets are blue. after today, I need a xanex or 2..