Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The us army: when it absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight!

   Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

   Why is it that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting roofied? You want to tell them “relax, you can take the coaster off your drink, there's at least three of us in line before you.”

   Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.

   Tyler Perry is an egomaniac. Does he really need to put his name in front all his shows?!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   One night my wife said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

   I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like.

   The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.

   Think I'll take up smoking just so I'll get more breaks at work.

   I wonder why I never see wine racks that are built to hold the good stuff.... you know, the box wine? Oh well, I guess as long as they hold 20 bottles of Boone's Farm

   Just conquered Super Mario Brothers without using any warp zones. I'm the man.

   I think it's possible that Hitler and Lewis Black had the same acting coach.

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life..

   Telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder"

   somethings are better left unsaid..that's usually about the time my verbal filter shuts down and I blurt it out anyway!!

   ‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

   Learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex...and some people wonder why I smile so much around them!

   Sometimes I wake up cranky.....other times I let her sleep.

   After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade. The Tourist Board are said to be delighted that Jordan has decided to take a holiday there.