Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 509 of 6383
The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.
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11-12-2019 06:03
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Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?
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11-11-2019 22:43
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Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!
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11-11-2019 19:03
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me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you
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11-11-2019 06:58
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it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive
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11-11-2019 06:57
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ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
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11-11-2019 06:57
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Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l
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11-11-2019 05:58
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It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
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11-11-2019 05:56
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Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.
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11-11-2019 05:51
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A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.
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11-11-2019 05:49
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If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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11-11-2019 05:45
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave. How’s your day
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11-11-2019 05:43
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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11-11-2019 05:42
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The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.
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11-11-2019 05:42
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"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.
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11-10-2019 21:23
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I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.
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11-10-2019 12:51 by Gabe
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A new poll says that 53% of shoppers start the day after Thanksgiving. The other 47% are men.
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11-10-2019 11:27
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A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.
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11-10-2019 08:30
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You know you're a VW bus driver when you start out speeding towards a hill, and still end up at the top with a line of cars behind you.
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11-10-2019 01:02
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I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?
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11-09-2019 15:59
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