Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Customers, Yes, we are making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies!!

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "DisLike" button before facebook does!

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "Like" button.

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   Was at Home Depot last night and I saw two Southwest Pilots looking for roofing material ....this can't be good!!

   There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o why o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all!

   A woman in your arms, is worth two on the Net.

   All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars...

   If this had been a status update, the Attention Signal you just read would have been followed by official status, news or general BS. This concludes this test of the Emergency I Don't have a Status Update.

   I discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?".

   *Yawn* oh no… keep talking… I always YAWN when I'm interested….:)

   STOP whatever your doing, DROP the weed in the paper, ROLL a fatty

   Quote of the night. "Sex dolls are not meant for speed."

   It's a real shame that Justin Bieber never got to attend a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house

   what? I never said I didnt like you. I said "leave me alone, you make me wanna throw up"

   You see that box with the fb pictures by the top right corner? The day I see any of my friends pictures in it, I'm screwed.

   I feel like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I feel like I need to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I want to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.