Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......

   The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.

   If your vigina is anything like my hand then we should not have a problem

   I was on Facebook before it was cool, and before the rest of you idiots joined.

   going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.

   ‎$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo...

   Watching a good movie but doesn't know why people put sex on DVDs

   No Lady Gaga, ou weren't born that way. We can all see your Adam's Apple. Its sort of gross.

   They passed a budget last nigt and the Fereral Government STILL shutdown today! Oh wait... its Saturday isn't it?

   What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

   After the 7th text, I wish someone in this house would just call the other person and get the conversation over with. Or at the very least get a less annoying ring-tone announcing your incoming text.

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups...

   I should have a breathalyser attached to my Facebook account to stop me posting under the influence

   That awkward feeling you get when you sit down to take a dump and look to your right at the toilet paper dispenser only to see just the cardboard roll.

   "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didnâ€

   sweating like a one-legged mule in mating season.

   wondering if anyone else has noticed that the default facebook profile picture for females looks like a silhouette of darth vader

   They done studies you know, 60% of the time it works everytime.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.