Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.

   If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   When they heard about his visit to the hospital, hell immediately started to construct a wall.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   Funny how when I was a kid we use to call Facebook group therapy.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science....

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."