Funny Status Messages
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To all my Facebook Friends.....If you are over 20 years old and know the name to a Justin Bieber OR DAMN a Lady Gaga song, PLEASE Delete me as a friend....I don't think I wanna be friends with you!!! 
I'm glad that McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs, I could never order a "McWeiner" with a serious face.
2/3 of the motorists on the road do not deserve the privilege to drive, what they do deserve is to be taken out back and beaten with an old iron pipe.
"How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" You don't understand how sex works, do you, Michael Bolton?
Sarah Palin wants to trade Mark her name. What the hell's Mark gonna do with it??
Gatorade's motto is "Is it in you?" ... Coincidentally, that was also MY motto the first several times I tried to have sex
Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.
I only make a lot of spelling and grammar errors because I have type-o blood.
After marriage, sloppy seconds means not licking the cake batter spoon first.
I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.
I like sleeping with deaf women because I can shout out any name I want to.
I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.
- you know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA!!
Drunk sayings = Sober thoughts
wondering what Canadians do for fun between elections?
I think tonight I'm gonna work on my grammar... Gonna see if I can get drunk enough to type in cursive...
I'm kinda bored...I think I'm gonna go hang this 'No U-Turn' sign in a cul-de-sac somewhere.
The hardest part of growing old is watching my kids grow old... 