Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   worried that my drinking might be affecting my memory. I'm also worried it might be affecting my memory.

   n't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my a$$!

   would swim across the Ocean for some of my Facebook friends! Lol, just kidding. There are sharks in there!

   If cars ran on BS, we would all have a full tank..

   Rory's got a Tiger on his ass and he lookin like a Wildebeest!!

   At what age is it approiate to tell my dog he's addopted?

   If you wasn't too into yourself, I'll probably be into you.

   Just did a 50,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, with the picture FACE DOWN...

   Darth Vader vs Hitler Epic rap battle in history 2, on utube

   I wish they would make hold music for cell phones

   Don't post something you know will obviously annoy someone and then act surprised when they comment on it. You're not fooling anyone! You are clearly provoking them and want the attention.

   New Rule: If you are currently separated and/or getting divorced you must deleted or at least block your soon to be ex.

   facebook needs a button that says,"What you just posted makes me want to stab you in the neck with a crescent wrench"

   How did the Wicked Witch of the West not die of thirst long before Dorothy showed up?

   shooting Hoops. (Hoops is my neighbor's annoying dog that likes to crap on my lawn.)

   Dear Diary: Facebook has replaced you.

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   Playing the ice cream truck song out of my car and watching all the people running around looking for ice cream.