Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I know a lot of women with A.D.D. (Attention Demanding Disorder)

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   For some reason when I look at you, the alt+f4 button appear... Somehow I wonder

   My boss is always saying, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Tomorrow, I am going to work Naked

   i'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was stretching. I go deaf when I stretch

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   Why am I single? Oh, because I like to have guilt free casual sex with a variety of women.

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.

   Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.

   I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street

   You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

   People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know

   going to spend her cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home