Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOME ALONE! :( .... I started a fire in the kitchen by making a bowl of coco-pops (long story)....i had a panic attack so I called the fire brigade and they got mad at me because they said that the fire was only a little bit of milk on the kitchen floor..

   How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, she just holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

   I almost choked to death while trying to rap in the car on the way to work. Chewing gum and Wu-Tang clan ain't nothin' to f**k with.

   To all my Facebook Friends.....If you are over 20 years old and know the name to a Justin Bieber OR DAMN a Lady Gaga song, PLEASE Delete me as a friend....I don't think I wanna be friends with you!!!

   I'm glad that McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs, I could never order a "McWeiner" with a serious face.

   2/3 of the motorists on the road do not deserve the privilege to drive, what they do deserve is to be taken out back and beaten with an old iron pipe.

   "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" You don't understand how sex works, do you, Michael Bolton?

   Sarah Palin wants to trade Mark her name. What the hell's Mark gonna do with it??

   Gatorade's motto is "Is it in you?" ... Coincidentally, that was also MY motto the first several times I tried to have sex

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   I only make a lot of spelling and grammar errors because I have type-o blood.

   After marriage, sloppy seconds means not licking the cake batter spoon first.

   I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

   I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.

   I like sleeping with deaf women because I can shout out any name I want to.

   I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.

   - you know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA!!

   Drunk sayings = Sober thoughts

   wondering what Canadians do for fun between elections?