Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never eat a foot long corn dog at the nude beach ever again

   , you know something is wrong when THIS GUY has better credit then the US government!

   For my assignment to do a paper on Nihilism, I turned in a beige unruled blank page with my name on it. When I got a "C" I could FEEL the irony. Then I found out EVERYBODY got "C"s. Well played, professor.

   In a perfect world you would be able to mark people as spam in real life.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help us to find the right person!

   Just Unfriended a Facebook Friend on their Birthday… that takes TRUE GRIT!

   You put a black man in the White House and they give the country a negative credit rating!

   there are three little words I love to hear, that remind me how amazing the world is, and always makes me smile: WELCOME TO WALMART!!!

   there is no validity to greatness achieved if not accompanied by humility....jr

   When I die, i'm gonna have a "like" and "dislike" button on my gravestone. And just a word of caution: If you think its gonna be funny to push the "dislike" button, wait till you see what you look like when all the voltage passes through you...

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   my idea of a drinking problem is not having any booze to drink.

   sometimes feels like going up to people who have just been seated at a restaraunt and say "Just to let you know, the last person that sat here threw up on the table"...

   When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

   Life is like a big fart........You come into the world, make a big stink, and then you just fade away!....

   It's extraordinary when a person comes in contact with a spider web or a bug lands on them, they become a Kung-Fu master.

   posing patiently with my clothes off for Google Earth to come by and take my picture...

   I do not 'get' the concept of a 'gift certificate' , first you take a piece of paper that's good EVERYWHERE,,,,

   If first you don't succeed, try try a GUN.