Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bumped into a guy as I was hurrying off the elevator and I go "Why am I so eager to get to work?" and we laughed and I stole his wallet.

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance.

   A lot of sports teams are called 'The Devils'... if I had a sports team I would call it 'The Jesus Christ Almighties'

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey shore. Post a pic of a favorite book as your profile pic in support of the many books that have lost their lives. (Note: Please do not post Twilight "books," this is serious!)RE-POST and make a difference

   Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.

   And remember... if you see an onion ring... answer it.

   whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.

   If only I had stuck with dodgeball since elementary. I could have gone pro.........

   Everyday I cry in the shower and ask myself, was that Klondike bar really worth it?

   But, officer, that school zone pulled out right in front of me!!

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.

   I'm so unreliable that I'm thinking about dressing up as a calculator for Halloween just so my friends can finally count on me.

   I got so much crap to do and I'm sitting around like a dingleberry.

   men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from woman : a little bit support and a little bit of freedom

   Walking thru a spider web instantly turns you into a ninja

   You can't change ONE second of the past , and who knows what tomorrow will bring but today is the present , and presents are gifts we should all cherish !!