Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   Just saw Bigfoot!! Oh wait, its just the mother in law.

   I'm not a porn star, but I'll give it a try.

   It's not my birthday, but I'll take a spanking anyway.

   My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   man, when are 'good girls' gonna start liking good guys? I'm running out of patience here!

   Note to the Easter Bunny: You're not fooling anyone with that fake grass in the basket.

   Dear Parents, How do you expect kids to listen to you when: Tarzan lives half naked. Cinderella comes back at midnight. Pinocchio lies all the time. Aladdin is the king of thieves. Batman drives at 320km/h. Sleeping beauty is lazy. Snow white sleeps with

   Sh!t it's raining, f*ck it's lightning, dammit thunder, just cussing up a storm over here..

   You know why they call it golf? Cause all the other four letter words were taken!!

   hopes there is never another NFL game again until people act grown up and forget money and remember the sacrifice of Pat Tillman. (Research it)

   The only rabbit I want coming to my house is Jessica.

   I tried to walk into target today but I missed

   Give Tiger a break. Obama is screwing the WHOLE country!

   Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops.............. Even if they do make me look a but gay!

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   When you're waiting for him in his T-shirt, it's cute. But when he's waiting for you in your T-shirt, it's time to start worrying.