Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   To the person that first took a Peanut, covered it with Chocolate and a Candy Coat and Stamped a "M" on it....THANK YOU!!!

   Why is 4/21 National Employer Random Drug Testing Day?

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   A fool and his money are soon dating women way too good looking for him.

   Try NOT. Do…or do not. There is no try. ~ Master Yoda (Star Wars)

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit on. : p

   It's a lot easier to get over someone when you realize that you shouldn't have been underneath them in the first place.

   4/20 is the day that some of you celebrate smokin dope. 4/21 is the day your employer (If you have one) celebrates random drug testing!

   Thank goodness the weather has gotten nice for once. I was getting sick of hearing people complain about the cold. Now I'm ready for people to start complaining about it being too hot. Whine people....whine!!

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   I'm dragging ass today. I don't know how dogs wipe like this, it hurts like hell.

   First of all bro if you want to have a more manly image, you need to ditch the zebra stripe seatcovers.

   Dr. Dre has changed the name of his album from Detox to Unicorn. We can only assume it's because it's something that no one is ever gonna actually see

   If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!! Happy 4/20

   The Nut I busted yesterday was so good it's still on my mind today at work. I'm totally having Pistachios again tonight

   whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana...

   I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.

   just bought 400 copies of "Hoarders: Season 1." Not sure what to do with them...

   You know you've made wonderful choices in life when you're proud of yourself for not being drunk before lunch.