Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to name my dog Stains..... so when I call for him to come inside, I can yell "Come Stains!" ......and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Born free. Now, I'm expensive.

   wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   If someone says, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Tell them that only happened once in history --- and He volunteered. Happy Easter everyone.

   Did you know? When you say 'beer can" in a British accent you're also saying "bacon" in a jamaican accent.

   The fashion police can eat my white jean shorts!

   Note to the close-minded: different doesn't mean wrong, it's simply right in another way. Appreciate it, rather than punish it with naive isolation

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   Save water – take a bath with your neighbor's wife.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.

   Within 7 seconds of meeting a girl, I decide whether or not I will sleep with her. Convincing her the rest of the night is the tricky part.

   F*cking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model.

   Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

   If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught

   'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.