Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mutton Chops will never go out of style in my eyes.

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.

   There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.

   Today is National Marijuana Day. A day when…uh…wow, Wolf Blitzer is SO funny.

   NEWS FLASH: 2 air traffic controllers fired for sleeping on the job, someone might want to wake them up to tell them the news.......

   The best part about fighting is the make uo sex? Well, unless that argument involves your parents.

   I watched Abc's show 'Happy Ending'....totally not what I expected. It was a regular show. WTF! haha!!!!(mood:cheated)

   sometimes I fill my blow up doll with helium so she plays hard to get.

   Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mu-FASA

   If you google “MySpace” your computer will ask “Are you serious right now?”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.

   Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did.

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   To the person that first took a Peanut, covered it with Chocolate and a Candy Coat and Stamped a "M" on it....THANK YOU!!!

   Why is 4/21 National Employer Random Drug Testing Day?

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.