Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha

   This morning I thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so I swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.

   There are some days just aren't worth living... Wait, that sounds morbid... What I mean is Mondays suck!!!

   Ceilings were just ambitious walls.

   Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.

   Can anyone find me a link to some coverage of the Royal Wedding? I wonder what's happening... [/sarcasm]

   There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

   Yesterday, Jesus, son of Mary arose from the dead. This morning... Bob, son of Joan... did not fare as well.

   by the end of this week, most women will "wake" up from that royal wedding...

   living the dream ...one fist pump at a time

   British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

   The television is not a magical device that communicates all your criticism to your favourite sports team. STOP YELLING AT IT!

   I would take a bullet for u.. Not a real one mind you. But a Coors Light for sure.

   I always Google before reading directions to anything !

   It's official. FaceBook is the new High5

   The best things are unseen,that's why we close our eyes when we Kiss,Laugh and Dream

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   Dr. Suess should have been a rapper.

   If you're paddling upstream in a canoe at 56 liters per day, and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!! :D

   I may be fat, but you're ugly – I can lose weight!