Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life seems to have turned it's back on you,stand up and kick it in the ass.

   Dear Boomtown Rats, It's true I can't tell you why YOU don't like Mondays, but here's a list of reasons why I don't....a) they start too early, b) they finish too late, c) they last ALL day, d) they just keep coming back EVERY FRICKIN WEEK. That is all.

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

   Dear cupcakes, the fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says alot about your self esteem. sincerely, muffins

   The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube. The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.

   am I the only one that thinks that Prince William looks like a cross between John Elway and a Mongoloid?

   This morning I surveyed 100 men and asked them what shampoo they used when showering...... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   Well behaved Women rarely make History

   Woman are born to be the best liars and (man)ipulate you through their sympathy strategies

   Lindsay Lohan drives drunk, was busted for coke, steals cars, steals necklaces, and still manages to get a standing ovation on Leno!?!!

   I'm really hoping a devilishly hansom older version of my self explodes into my room in a ball of smoke and lightning with wads of cash and a 2011-2020 sports almanac

   We fought wars so we wouldn't care about royal weddings.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google

   If a blonde throws you a grenade…you pull the pin and throw it back!

   Procrastinators unite!…Tomorrow..

   Who drinks only one beer? Mrs. Bud Light needs a companion in my belly and she likes to speed date.

   Wondering - will there EVER be a day when it's raining that my mouth says 'Umbrella'.... and my mind doesn't immediately follow with 'ella ella eh eh eh' ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ Thanks for the mind games, Rihanna!!!

   Dear DroidX, I am not trying to spell "Duck"...thank you!

   I bet George Washington never imagined he'd be the number one cause of lapdances.

   Just think how interesting facebook would be if there was a "cheating on spouse with _______" relationship status