Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   YOU Can't even Understand Normal Thinking

   If Britain didn't colonize America, Americans would be sat in wig-wams speaking Spanish

   What do you call nun in a wheel chair.. Virgin Mobile

   I just gave Gatorade to my neighbor's horse...it's been running in circles for 2 hours

   The person who says he trusts no one should include himself.

   Went to Hulu this morning. Front page: The Royal Wedding brought to you by Fancy Fest. God That's perfect

   I bet she's being a royal pain in the ass right about now.

   I sure hope the royal divorce is as hyped as the royal wedding.

   can make a mean bowl of cereal

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby"

   your teeth are like the stars - yellow and far away from eachother

   How do you expect me to respond when you say "oh", "lol" or "ya"?

   When you get pulled over for speeding say: "Two wrongs don't make a right officer. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?"

   Just gunna stand there and steal my fries...? But thats alright because I love your massive thighs...

   The only person I'm better than is the person I was yesterday.

   I bet when the guy who wrote the Seinfeld bass theme is feeling blue, he gets out his bass and plays that riff.

   what would you say if a guy walks in for an interview without a shirt, and I hired him... what would you say?......... he must of had on some really nice pants.

   You can tell a lot about a person by how many times they hit re-fresh...

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.