Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 501 of 6383
To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h
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12-06-2019 19:48
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Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.
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12-06-2019 13:14 by RichMcC
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it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.
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12-06-2019 12:42 by Grumpy
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What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
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12-06-2019 11:43
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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12-06-2019 10:37
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So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??
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12-06-2019 10:16
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Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?
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12-06-2019 09:17
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COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
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12-06-2019 09:16
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The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
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12-06-2019 09:16
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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12-06-2019 09:14
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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12-06-2019 09:10
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]
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12-06-2019 09:08
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Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"
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12-06-2019 09:05
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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12-06-2019 09:04
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."
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12-06-2019 09:03
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"Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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12-06-2019 09:03
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Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.
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12-06-2019 09:00
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"
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12-06-2019 08:57
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras
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12-06-2019 08:56
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I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
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12-06-2019 08:44 by Rickster
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