Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked a friend, "how's your wife?" He answered, "compared to who?"

   I got an e-mail saying '"At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" I'm thinking, that's just spam.

   We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   It's bad enough when a friend says.."Hold my beer while I try this.."..but when your Doctor says that???

   Not all MODELS are necessarily sexy and attractive enough to shag

   If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

   I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

   It's a sad situation when a fat girl does her best to lose weight only to discover that even with her new slim body, she is still unable to attract boys.

   i spent $1 at the bar last night......156 times!!!!!!

   knows if you like drunk girls in high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies

   its sad when fat girls lose weight only to discover they dont have a pretty face.

   Having lived and loved, I can tell you that life is the constant and love is the variable

   I'm not sure who the heck Martha Graham is, but damn she inspired a great Google Doodle today.........

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

   You can't buy happiness but you can buy icecream which is kind of the same thing!

   was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   sorry about thoes texts I sent last night, my phone was drunk.

   if a fly could stop all its nonesense I think it could produce honey

   The 3 C's of life…Choice, Chance, Change...Make the Choice to take the Chance if you want to Change.!!!

   I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought "That's just spam."