Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am never shocked or surprised when someone I trust and love backstabs or betrays me. Even the Devil was once an angel. Even Judas was once a loyal disciple.

   kya chutiyapanti chal rahi hai is site pe..

   In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   You really don't know a person until you realize they don't know how to spelle

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.

   If Facebook really did have a dislike button.. some serious drama would go down

   Dear hookers & strippers, What is "bring your kid to work" day like? Sincerely, curious

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   You should see how fast I can go from hardcore gangsta to Irish folk singer when my ipod jumps from Jay-Z to The Swell Season.