Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   I wonder what happened to that guy from the 90's who sang that song about barely breathing. I hope he's OK!

   This alcohol diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.

   This vodka diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   It's all fun and games until you know there's candy involved... then it gets SERIOUS! :)

   Its not me, its you. I just don't think it's going to work between us. You're boring, tasteless, and I can't stop cheating on you. I know you're my right choice, but we can't continue! TO: DIET FROM: ME

   I whisper freaky things in my girls ear while she is sitting infront of the family................ And I must say, It turns her on lol

   Girl: "Age is just a number." Guy: "Yeah? And jail is just a room."

   a girl takes dress to the dyrcleaners & asks for it be cleaned. The man is a bit deaf & says come again, Girl blushes and says no this time its yogurt!!!

   Everything happens for a reason, live it, love it, learn from it! Make your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile :)

   wondering ... Have you ever been at work, when a genital piercing has become a semi-medical emergency; only leading to having your girlfriend come and help you remove it with a dremel tool and bolt cutters? No? Me neither ...

   Does anyone else think "Global warming" is just wordplay and code for "The Human Infestation Problem"

   Thanks to the ac its so cold in my office that even the girls in my nudy calendar are getting T.H.O's

   Microsoft To Buy Skype For $8.5 Billion. goodbye to my camwhoring career ? :'(

   i know they might be comfortable... and hi-tech.. but those running shoes with the individual toes.. really freak me out. and it just makes me wanna kick their ass!

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   Looks arent everything, but you cant wank over a personality!

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups