Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   You really don't know a person until you realize they don't know how to spelle

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.

   If Facebook really did have a dislike button.. some serious drama would go down

   Dear hookers & strippers, What is "bring your kid to work" day like? Sincerely, curious

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   You should see how fast I can go from hardcore gangsta to Irish folk singer when my ipod jumps from Jay-Z to The Swell Season.

   I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else however is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.

   In this bright future you can't forget your past. - Bob Marley, RIP

   I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.

   im no gynecologist...but I'll take a look ;)

   Are you guys really my friends or are you just my facebook friends?"

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an A$$!"  

   "Women, before you get mad, remember, God and Adam were calling Eve 'Woman' long before she started getting all power hungry, emotional and irrational. So think about that, the next time your man says 'Woman, make me a sammich!'" -- 3 John 1:12