Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out, Microsoft bought skype for $$8.5Mil??? Idiots !!!! I knw Bill Gates has the money, but that fool could have downloaded it for freee !!

   I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!

   I DONT HAVE ANY TEQUILA... BUT THERE'S NO REASON you CANT STILL LICK, SUCK AND SWALLOW

   REALLY don't know what this flys problem is outside smackin up against my window..but I'm sorry...I won't let him in, I don't trust strangers...

   wishes Narnia was real, then she would have more room in her closet...

   No... I'm not lazy... I'm just resting up for my 30's... (I got a lot planned)

   I just ate Skittles for the first time in 30 years. I hate to tell you this... but the rainbow tastes like crap.

   I think that the Goo Goo Dolls & Lady Gaga should go on tour together...the Goo Goo Gaga Tour!!

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures is better than the countless hands that come together to clap you on your success.

   On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ( the shoplifters special??)

   I hate When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   I hate When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

   you know I love you like a fat kid loves cake.. But i'm on a diet

   I just got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...wtf!

   thinks.... if he where have heard, even 10 years ago..."I google it and then facebook you the answer since I don't do tweets"... I would haved asked you what kind of drugs you were on...

   Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops......... Even if they do make me look gay!

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.

   Trying to get the taste of Weed and Hooker Spit out of my mouth.