Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your grandma got run over by a reindeer, you may be entitled to compensation...Cal 1800 HURT HAHA!

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   1987 was a great year for the payphone.

   I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious!

   My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops

   My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.

   Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.

   Continuing to play the victim is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Blaming others for your situation in life will indeed make you a victim but the abuser will be your own self, not life or those around you.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.