Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet those people that mow their lawns just after it rains are the same people that wash their car just before it rains.

   the world is ending Saturday??? Oh well this is bogus, it was supposed to be December 21, 2012?

   that if you asked me, at one time I would have given you the world...Now, you ask for anything, I'll bend over and give you the f**kin moon!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger should have lived by one of the ten commandments of politics: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

   Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.

   If you actually believe in this Doomsday & Rapture nonsense...Please gracefully delete yourself from my friend's list...Coz I am allergic to retards and idiots.

   Nuts on a wall: Walnuts. Nuts on a chest: Chesnuts. Nuts on a Chin: BJ

   I'm so sick of hearing about the rapture... Shut up already, if it happens we'll have all eternity to talk about it in he'll.

   Have you guys ever heard of the "SNUGGIE"? Well in fact, the Original "SNUGGIE" is from Mexico, it's called "The Pancho"

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   Auto correct is like having a 4 year old play mad-libs with your email.

   Barack Obama: The first black man in history to prove that he DID do the killing.

   dint realize Arnold was so lazy...Gawd the guy didnt even leave his house, to cheat on his wife..!

   I commit crimes to keep the cops earning a living...

   Why do I knowingly pick the bad choices in life. I know I'm going to pay for it in the end but it sure looks like its going to be fun in the mean time

   I'm not lazy. I vacuumed today. I believe vacuum is the scientific term for it...

   Im good at peeling potatoes and my cooking is terrible. I have always dreamed of working in a prison kitchen.

   : Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.