Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was speaking to a guy who reckons he is able to throw a stick, for two miles and the dog retrieves it. Sounds a bit far fetched.

   Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac. I don't know how to take that.

   Anyone knows at what time the End of the world will be on Saturday? I feel like I owe it to myself to have one nice meal before it starts

   I tried to help my Uncle Mario contact his dead brother, I tried everything but even the Luigi board didn't work.

   "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.", Ernest Hemingway

   You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

   Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

   Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin. Thought to myself; they've lost the plot!

   hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody else is reading it?

   Due to public service cutbacks, the Rapture is simply going to be based on Santa's Naughty/Nice List.

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.

   If anyone tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.

   Good morning : ) I was thinking...What if the Rapture happens and you're in the middle of a poo? You'll be floating up to heaven, pooing on everyone below you.......

   The Rapture will begin this saturday let those who believe be killed by rocks and sticks the day after by thugs like me!

   wonders, what would happen if a witness was sworn in, asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the answer came out from his mouth is no?

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 whole years... Now, don't YOU think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself.?

   if I don't answer my phone .. it's probably cause I am dancing to the ring tone

   Notice in a Library: " While reading the kamasutra , please hold the book with both Hands."

   It's Been A Tough Few Years For The Ocean, we've had the oil spill, the Japan radiation, and now "Hey! Mind if we put Bin Laden there too?!"