Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   wonders, If I follow a leprechaun on twitter, would it somehow lead me to a pot gold?

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   sometime you have to take a step back and really look at yourself to help you figure out who you want to be.

   Every morning around this time I start to wonder if I'm the maury type

   10-21-11 is doomsday,Camping has spoken&we all know Camping never errs.well except for '88 being the year of the rapture,&'94 being the year of judgment & rapture, & of 5-21-11 at 6pm being a double date w/judgment&rapture.but other than that he's spot on

   You'll never get over me... and you won't be getting under me either!

   Looks like we have an idiot on the lose today. Disregards those meaningless statuses.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up.

   Every American President inherits a sworn duty to protect Israel. Protecting Israel costs money and lives. Losing money and lives while trying to protect Israel can cost an American president his job. Its a viscous circle.

   What I like about soy butter is the delicate blending of the flavors of fish food and dirt.

   While cooking dinner tonight I got herbs in my eyes. I am now parsley sighted

   boobbies make me happy click if you like boobbies, say it boobies